Maybe We Shouldn’t Hear Those D.A. Tapes

Just what do they talk about behind closed doors in the Orange County D.A.’s office, when their guard is down and they don’t know they’re being taped by a mole working for the state attorney general?

If we’re lucky, we’ll find out soon.

Somewhere, unless it’s already been eaten by a deputy attorney general, is a copy of taped conversations involving unknown members of the staff of embattled Dist. Atty. Tony Rackauckas, who must be pining for his days as a judge when only defense attorneys bugged him.

Now Rackauckas has found out that a member of his inner circle has secretly recorded conversations as part of an investigation into the way Rackauckas is running his office.

The lieutenant (former lieutenant might become the proper term soon) is Michael Clesceri, assistant chief of investigations in the D.A.’s office. For some reason, he agreed to a request from Atty. Gen. Bill Lockyer’s office to try and get some dirt on Rackauckas. You have to admit, Clesceri has guts. Or a death wish.

It’s not yet known whom Clesceri taped, when he did it or what is on the tapes.

Most likely, no one in the D.A.’s office wants the tapes revealed. That’s because the chatter will turn out to be something embarrassing, like this:

Male voice: Hey, has anyone seen my briefs? I can’t find them anywhere.

Female voice: Ha-ha. Never heard that one before. Did you hear ABC is planning a takeoff on that bachelor show for next year? Instead of a guy picking from 25 women, they’re going to have a woman meet 25 guys and eventually select Mr. Right.

Male: Yeah, and when she picks him, we ought to arrest both of them on some kind of public indecency charge.

Female: Oh, really. Are you saying that you, a connoisseur of “The Man Show,” don’t like “The Bachelor?”

Male: Have you actually made it through an hour of that dreck? Just your average everyday great-looking, glib, sensitive, successful phony who makes out with a dozen women in a few weeks, all on camera, mind you, and then is left with an agonizing decision. Which babe is he really in love with? How did the California Penal Code miss that one?

Female: You’re the one missing the point. It’s Cinderella meeting the prince. It’s a fairy tale.

Male: Yeah, Cinderella in designer jeans and painted nails.

Female: So, you think the guy is a dope, too?

Male: No, he’s merely a fraud. He does what guys do. Doesn’t your skin crawl when you see the rejected women try to figure out what went wrong?

Let’s see if I can help: They met a guy on TV two weeks ago, they knew the point of the show is that he wines and dines them on ABC’s tab and acts like he’s interested in them so the interest builds and his final decision is a ratings grabber. Does that clarify it?

Female: I’m sure they know it’s all a game.

Male: Oh, and that’s why they’re sniffling afterward and wanting to know what went wrong with their perfect soul mate who, by the way, just came out of a hot tub with the five other finalists. Get a grip.

Female: OK, that’s why it’s not on PBS. Lighten up. Not every show has to be about migrant workers.

Male: Hey, now you’re onto something! How about a show where a poverty-stricken migrant farm worker from the Central Valley of California is introduced to 25 Manhattan socialites and is forced to pick one as his bride? They could call it “The Bracero.”

Female: You’re losing it. We have a case to work on.

Male: As soon as I find my briefs. No, seriously.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to [email protected].