Upfront and not versatile

You can tell a lot about a network by its presentational style. I learned that after spending a week at the television “upfronts,” the fall programming presentations from the six broadcast networks. They are called that because the networks spend the better part of the week wooing advertisers into committing money to new and returning shows upfront. Also, they are sometimes surprisingly upfront about the previous season’s failures.

At one point in the week, during which I sailed from presentation to presentation (I saw them simulcast on closed-circuit TV in Los Angeles), I was reminded of my first encounter with my fifth-grade best friend. One minute we were punching each other through our sleeping bags at a slumber party, the next we were magically discovering a shared love of Sanrio products and ABBA hits.

The networks during “upfronts” are not unlike middle-school mean girls on their birthdays. They rent out fancy venues like Radio City Music Hall, Madison Square Garden and Carnegie Hall. They hire big musical acts (OK, biggish. OK, in Fox’s case, Clay Aiken.) They produce clever sketches and impressively confusing graphs and charts that somehow make it look as if everyone is No. 1. They trot out their stars of tomorrow and their executives of this week. They assemble clips from new shows and set the really dramatic stuff to tunes by Moby or, better yet, to cue the really tremulous emotions, that swoony Coldplay hit. Then they spend the better part of the week sticking one another’s training bras in the freezer and dipping one another’s hands in bowls of warm water.

Which is odd, considering how much they have in common. In the new, staggered 2004-05 season, it’s all about billionaires, boxing, Hawaii, Las Vegas, extended auditions/job interviews and Mark Burnett. From which I am concluding that Americans need a job, a vacation or to punch somebody’s lights out.

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Highlights and lowlights

Watching the presentations, which ranged from the longish to the interminable on screens, as I did, was a little like watching the NBC, WB, ABC, CBS, UPN and Fox variety hours starring, in some cases, the love child of Tom Cruise’s alpha male motivational speaker in “Magnolia” and Ron Popeil.

At NBC, top dog Jeff Zucker opted for the hard sell, repeating the words “dominant” and “upscale” (not to mention “Joey” and “The Apprentice”) so often I began to hallucinate that “The Apprentice’s” Caroline was leading the 18 to 49 demo around NBC’s dungeon on a leash. Opting for a montage of NBC stars reciting corporate slogans as lovably as possible, the Peacock then deployed the Donald. Could tepid audience reaction to his half-joking-but-not-really assertion that he’s “a ratings machine” and “what America wants” signal a wider-spread Trump saturation point?

CBS President Leslie Moonves devoted much of his time to bashing the competition, expending lavish amounts of tape and time on (admittedly funny) swipes at NBC and everybody else.

But after a Beatles medley (featuring slightly modified versions of “Help,” “Eight Days a Week,” and “A Little Help From My Friends,” you get the picture), the skit in which Trump gets run over and the fake promo for “Fear Factor” (“classy, sophisticated”), it all got a little too “What’s your damage, Heather?” for CBS’ own good. Then again, maybe they needed the clips to fill out the three hours, considering how little appears to be new or different on CBS’ schedule.

If NBC and CBS took the Smackdown approach, the WB presentation was a slightly dorky frat party, complete with a Lenny Kravitz performance and head of sales Bill Morningstar half-stripping for a sketch.

ABC had more of a “congressional hearings” vibe, with head of sales Mike Shaw lending a certain Rumsfeldian quality to the proceedings. ABC’s presentation was considerably enlivened by new programming head Steve McPherson’s taking over the microphone, and even more so by late night host Jimmy Kimmel’s unchecked snarkiness toward his corporate overlords, which elicited a few discreet coughs from the audience. Hopefully, his bosses aren’t too angry. Pointing out that ABC has no “CSI” and no “Law & Order” is not a crime. (And, anyway, the clips from his show -- notably, a segment called “Moments in Unnecessary Censorship,” in which portions of a conversation between Big Bird and Snuffleupagus get bleeped out -- were very funny.)

UPN, which is owned by CBS, took a cue from its parent company and took swipes at the WB. Will Smith (whose sitcom “All of Us” returns, and who, take note, really knows what to say to an advertiser) flirted with UPN President Dawn Ostroff, as did Taye Diggs a little later. The girls of “Top Model” provided the comedy and the whole thing breezed by agreeably.

Fox, the last presentation of the week, was long but easygoing and contained the most gratifying announcement of the week -- the return of “Arrested Development” on Sundays following “The Simpsons.”

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Send in the clones

Now that NBC has scored with “The Apprentice,” everyone wants a self-aggrandizing, publicity hungry billionaire of their own. That’s why ABC has snagged dotcom billionaire and Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban, who, as “The Benefactor,” will be giving piles of cash to the person who asks for it the most nicely. (Or something like that.) On Fox, Virgin Airlines founder Richard Branson (who apparently “lives life to the fullest” and “denies himself nothing”) will flaunt not only his money but also his superiority in just about every human endeavor. Sounds good, but wouldn’t it be fun to get one of those billionaires who deny themselves everything and live like rats with their cash stuffed in mattresses sometime? No? OK. Then, at least we get Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie sans credit cards in the “The Simple Life 2: Road Trip.”

NBC has a probable hit in “The Contender,” starring Sylvester Stallone, whom Zucker has declared to be “one of the most interesting personalities of all-time,” which, you can’t help thinking, is similar to people telling parents of a newborn “my, what an interesting baby.” “The Contender” looks as if it’s going to be the grittiest tear-jerker since I last got Scrub in my eyes, but Fox’s “The Next Great Champ” has a cute, real boxer -- Oscar de la Hoya -- in it instead of Stallone.

Now that all but CBS have tired of New York (“CSI” can now officially boast more franchises than Krispy Kreme) as the center of the dramatic universe, Hawaii is the next big state. The WB has “Rocky Point,” tubular teen drama in the vein of “Blue Crush.” On Fox, there’s “North Shore,” set in a Hawaiian hotel. The employees are fixtures, while the guests rotate, “Love Boat”-style. Of course, nowadays, “Love Boat”-style usually means it has highly sexualized underage girls. Where have you gone, Vicki Stubing? NBC, meanwhile, has “Hawaii” -- a cop show in which dead bodies will be pulled from lava.

As drama destination, Las Vegas is also very popular in the 2004-05 season. Following the success of NBC’s “Las Vegas,” Fox adds the unscripted “The Casino” for this summer and CBS has picked up “dr. vegas,” continuing the time-honored tradition of Rob Lowe.

Other trends to look for: Unfit parents suddenly inherit other people’s babies on UPN’s “Kevin Hill” and the WB’s “Summerland.” And housewifery returns on ABC with the soapy drama “Desperate Housewives” and unscripted drama “Wife Swap.”

On the WB’s unscripted “Wannabes,” L.A. actresses compete for a job on the WB and most don’t get it. (Finally, reality worthy of the name reality!) On UPN, “The Missy Elliott Project,” a cross between “Top Model” and “American Idol,” is hosted by an actual American idol. NBC’s “Father of the Pride” looks funny. Weird. But funny. And Roy (of Siegfried and ... who are characters in this animated show) claims laughter is the best medicine -- we’ll just have to trust him on that.